Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Home Between

For all you readers who have been impatiently chafing at my silence the past three weeks (however few or handfulish you may be) I am sorry. It’s been hard to find words since coming home. It’s difficult even to talk about it so that I find myself reluctant to struggle speak unless somebody takes the time to ask. What does one say? There are even mornings where I wake and wonder, was it all just a dream? Life in the West is so different from life in India it is hard to believe that I’ve lived in both, that they can coexist in the world—and my heart. Sometimes I feel like my brain stares at them as if they were two diverse puzzle pieces that appear to be from different puzzles entirely. You want me to fit these together?! it says.

I’m not even sure if I have anything concrete to say in this post other than the fact that I’m home and fighting to redefine what life should be. I miss India. Just last night I was lying in bed thinking that it was too soft, that I wouldn’t mind my hard flat bed with grass-stained bed sheets. But I’m also finding that there is a familiarity to the choices I face each morning—the choice to be grateful, to not despise humble tasks, to walk with joy, and be honored to serve. India lingers in my heart and has changed what I see as important. Significance must still be redefined because my worth, and even my usefulness, is not determined by the tasks I complete but the position of my heart towards God and the value he speaks into my life.

So right now I’m in a season of lingering between. India is past. Acceptance to graduate school hopefully awaits in the future. I know this time at home is just as significant as the time on either side, despite the fact that some days I wake up and wonder what I’m to do with myself. So I’m writing and quilting, helping friends with weddings, working here and there, and finding a new love of being with my family and my mom. Most of all I’m trying to keep my heart awakened to any little way God is trying to teach me something new, to nudge me with his spirit, show me places to serve. It’s different, but like all things that God brings, I know that it is also good.