Over the past few weeks I've thought a lot about desires. I've wrestled with the rightness of my own, the intensity of my own. I've wondered why the human heart want things so intensely. Is it right? Why do I want two seemingly opposing things at times? How do I reconcile my desires with the way God has orchestrated my life right now?
They are hard questions. I still haven't found all the answers. I know that my deepest desire is to embrace the fullness of everything God seeks to place in my life. When it comes down to absolutes, I want His way over mine. I trust Him, that He has only my best in mind. But then there are the days when what I want overwhelms me. Emotions, desires come crashing in like a tidal wave of immense proportion. I can barely find control, barely keep my feet on the ground. On those days it takes all my strength to keep fighting for my thoughts and my heart to stay fixed on Christ. What do I do with the way that I feel? Can a person really control the way they feel? I'm not confident they can, but I don't say that to provide an excuse. Even if I can't change the way I feel, I can choose whether or not to feed that feeling, whether or not I am going to let it control me. I can throw myself at the feet of Christ and plead with Him to re-orientate the priorities of my heart. I'm finding that He meets me there.
Even in those moments, the desires never completely go away. I can feel them throbbing beneath the surface. Some days God gifts me a reprieve, days I don't have to fight as hard to maintain control. Other days my spiritual muscles groan from the effort of continuing the fight. There are days I wish God would change the way that I feel, take away the desires I have. I don't always understand why I have them, why they are allowed to stay. But on second thought, I don't think I would want them to go away. I think they serve a purpose that I don't fully understand.
Desire is the essence of life. Souls that do not have desire, do not have anything to long and strain and fight for: are they alive? Are they living? I think they are only existing. Faith is about desire, wanting more of God. Desire pushes the soul further, providing the curiosity, the impetus, the urgency to delve deeper.
God desires. His desire drove Him to become an artist, to craft a people after His own heart. And after His people strayed, His desire drove Him further to the cross. As His child, my heart was designed to desire too. Desiring is good. It is a mark of God's craftsmanship on my life.
The things I desire are good things. I think God wants me to desire them. But He wants me to desire them with an open heart and hands. The tension comes in value. Which do I value more, desire more? His heart, or the gifts from His hand? Will I be okay if my desires are not fulfilled? Will I still be able to look in His eyes and declare, "Lord, you are good." Ultimately I have to remember that my heart was designed to desire Him above everything else.
This tug-of-war within my heart is an awkward dance. It can be extremely painful. But it can also be extremely beautiful. I can't wish the dance away, no matter how awkward some of the steps my be. I still haven't figured it all out. But I've determined not to stop fighting for the sacred. I'm going to ask more questions. I might not find conclusive answers. But I'm going to keep asking them anyways. I'm going to keep desiring, and in the process keep prying my fingers away from the things that I want when I let my heart want them too strongly.