Wednesday, September 2, 2009

What next?

God shifted my thinking this summer, about the future and about me. Who am I? Only God knows the complete answer to that question, but whatever the answer is, it is who I am now, not who I will be when I reach a certain goal. I’m graduating in May; I used to think that would make me feel more satisfied with my life. Then I thought maybe finishing my masters or starting my own family would accomplish that goal. But I’m learning again that God is the only one who can satisfy the deepest places of my heart, and my life doesn’t start somewhere in the future. I’m living it here and now, and I like it. So there is no rush—no rush to get another degree, no rush to start a relationship, no rush to do anything but enjoy the season of today.

I’ve made a decision not to apply for graduate school until next year. I’m throwing out the “if onlys” and am going to take a year off. Because I’m not in a rush. I want to take the time to rest and get the most out of my master’s when I do decide to go back. In the meantime, I’m anticipating adventure, ways and time to invest in relationship, and stories to write. I want to taste and touch and see and smell the world. And I want to find words to express the ineffable.

Today I dipped my toe into an ocean of an idea. I’ve been standing at the edge staring for a while now, but today I got just the teeniest part of my wet. I sent out an inquiry about spending some time in India next year. And I’m excited. Not just about India, but about life. Because whether I go to India or not, in eight months my future melts back into the unknown, and I love it. I have months of wide-open opportunity ahead of me for God to show up and shift my perspective of the world yet again, for Him to teach me about Himself in ways I can’t yet fathom. So I’m excited… whether or not it makes sense to anyone else.

1 comment:

ChefEric said...

I for one know exactly what you mean! it does make sense and I'll have you know that even before I got to that part of the post I thought to myself "self, do you think that she might be planning to leave the country? why yes I do." I'm happy for you.