I’m graduating this semester with a B.A. in English writing. What I won’t be graduating with is an M.R.S. degree. Sorry, Lee University. Despite all the propaganda, no ring by spring for me.
Despite my scathing views of Lee University’s mating obsession for its students, I’ll be honest by saying it’s not the future I would have envisioned for myself several years ago. As a naïve sixteen and seventeen-year-old, I wanted to skip the whole college thing and go straight for the babies. And even when I did settle in for the academic ride, I thought for sure by graduation I’d have found the one. Or perhaps be holding somebody’s hand. Or at least surely have had a date. Or if push came to shove, be promised one. But I haven’t. Unlike many of my friends, I am not planning a wedding. And over the last few months, for the first time I can say I am really, truly, honest-to-goodness okay with that.
I’m even, enjoying it.
Right now, I find myself in a season where I don’t even feel ready for a man. And in some respects, I don’t know if I ever will be. There are so many things I know about my heart now than I did not know when I left for college four years ago, but I’m still in a season of watching God open up a vision for where I might be created to fit.
Last semester, my friend Charlotte and I were talking about guys and dreams and futures. And she looked at me and she said, “It’s not about what I want. It’s about the gospel.” And she’s right. Making choices isn’t about a standard of morality. It’s not about asking if something is permissible, not about seeing how far I can let my heart go emotionally before I cross a dangerous line. It’s about offering what I have to the service of the gospel, about asking what will bring God the most glory. And that applies to every aspect of life. I think some people can glorify God most strongly when they walk through life two as one, and I think that for some people God can be more glorified in a lifestyle of singleness. And I’m not sure yet what the answer is for me.
But I’m okay with either one, and that makes my heart joy-filled. I’m finding such sweet places hidden inside the heart of God that I don’t think I would have ever been able to find if I had started sharing my life with a man four years ago. And I think there are so many more, I hesitate to think of giving them up just yet, of letting any distraction steal my focus.
It’s not a cakewalk. There are days and nights when it is still difficult. I don’t allow myself to watch certain types of movies on Valentine’s Day, and there are genres of books and movies I won’t entertain. Period. There are places I have to pull my heart back from lingering in. But overall, I’ve found a deep grace that God is pouring over my soul from years of pressing into his heart. A rich, wondrous grace. Besides, we’re lying to ourselves if we think that finding someone to love will solve all our problems anyways. What kind of deceptive logic is that?
All I know is that I’m graduating, and I’m single, and I’m excited about life and mysteries and journey. I think there is more to life than finding earthly love. And I am content, because God tells me who I am, and the glory of His kingdom is a calling worth living for, no matter what.